ReRamblings

The other day, I went into a bakery to get myself a donut. I like donuts. Everyone likes donuts. I assumed that they would have a donut.

Imagine my chagrin when I asked for a donut, only to be told by a kid with the acne scars and an essence of eau de reefer that they didn't have donuts.

I was astounded. If a bakery doesn't sell donuts, what the hell is the point of a bakery? Thus, I told the kid: "I am astounded! If a bakery doesn't sell donuts, what is the point of a bakery?"

The kid responded "I dunno" in an emotionless, early Keanu Reeves way. I think he was a robot. But not an interesting robot, like the one in the classic films like Alien, 2001: A Space Odyssey or Smart House. More like that Vision dweeb from the Avengers movies.

Now, I'm PRETTY sure I could take the Vision in a fair fight, but I have no idea what the hell kind of powers that he has, so I decided to run away from the probably wimpy (but maybe omnipotent) pot-scented teen robot. I returned ten minutes later, after the kid left to do more pot or maybe eradicate a small country, and was greeted by an absurdly cheerful teen. Being so cheery, I figured that this one seemed less likely to go all "Brightburn" on my ass, and so I politely began our conversation. If I recall correctly, it went a little like this:

Cheery kid: Hi! What can I get for you?
Clousems: Get me a **********ing donut!
CK: I'm sorry sir, we don't sell donuts here! We do however sell bear claws!
Clousems: A Bear Claw is not a m**fing donut! If I wanted a shitty bear claw, I would go to the woods and eat me a god damn bear! I want a donut!
CK: Again, I'm sorry sir, but we don't have donuts! If you'd like a donut, why don't you go down the street to the Dunkin' Donuts?
Clousems: What the hoot?! How dare you, you syphillitic werewolf?! Clousems doesn't support overpriced chains! Go back to your little bakey part of the store and bake me a donut!
CK: Well, we only sell pastries and cakes here! Can I interest you in a pastry?!
Clousems: Fine. I'll take your stupid pastry... this time.
CK: Great! What kind of pastry?!
Clousems: Look, nobody on earth knows the difference between pastries. Just get me a pastry.
CK: Sir, I have to know which type of pastry you want! They are priced differently!
Clousems: I WANT a donut! Isn't a donut a type of pastry?
CK: No!
Clousems: Why do you lie? What are you hiding?
CK: I don't know what you're talking about!
Clousems: Lies spew from your mouth like shit from an exploded sewer line. I know a donut is a pastry! You know something about that uninteresting robot kid, don't you?
CK: Sir, I'm telling you I don't know what you're talking about!
Clousems: Oh yeah? So this ISN'T a front for an evil lair that is probably in the place where you should have the equipment for donut making? Why, if I had my Bran Muffins o' Justice, I'd pop you right in the face with one, you inebriated jellyfish!

At this point, and entirely without warning, she attacked me. It was a moderately epic battle, although not quite as epic as the whole Terre Haute thing. I'd say it was about as epic as that Italian "Escape from New York" rip-off with Fred Williamson, for context. We kicked and punched each other. She shot energy bolts out of her hands. I did not, as I lack superpowers. Finally, I threatened to report her to her supervisor, at which point she yielded. Bloodied, bruised, but still alive, I purchased a bundt cake and left.

I wonder which part of the message is an illusion worthy of a sith holocron and which is actual truth.

I therefore suspect that Vision took control of your mind to get his colleague CK fired.

but I wonder where I heard this phrase :

syphillitic werewolf

On youtube probably

@CSKA_Moscou

That is a clousems certified original insult.

Fun "behind the scenes" moment: My original script used the expression "phlegmatic climate-change denying she-bitch of Hopewell, Virginia", but I thought that might be construed as a little bit sexist and harsh (on account of the Hopewell reference). The second draft version was "overly cheery person who listens to Hoobastank", but I have no idea if Hoobastank is worth listening to-- that might not have been an insult at all. I settled on "Syphillitic Werewolf" because it was harsh, but not abnormally so.

EDIT: Another change was to the line about sewage-- it initially was a reference to the Yangtze river. I thought it could be construed as offensive.

@clousems said in #3:

@CSKA_Moscou

That is a clousems certified original insult.

Fun "behind the scenes" moment: My original script used the expression "phlegmatic climate-change denying she-bitch of Hopewell, Virginia", but I thought that might be construed as a little bit sexist and harsh (on account of the Hopewell reference). The second draft version was "overly cheery person who listens to Hoobastank", but I have no idea if Hoobastank is worth listening to-- that might not have been an insult at all. I settled on "Syphillitic Werewolf" because it was harsh, but not abnormally so.

I just remember a cartoon animation style video where a devil gave a gift to a werewolf. The gift opened with lots of spiders in it. He told to the werewolf something like : it is a cure for syphilis.

it was awful. but I suppose you may have allowed the show's designers to include some interesting lines in Clousems' style

Can someone please tell me how to get the song "Laser Shooting Dinosaur" out of my head? It it NOT a good song, and it is stuck in my head.

I'm currently working on an epic rambling. It's quite long, which is why I haven't posted it yet. I'm about 5 pages in. I haven't proofread it yet. I plan on making it into a short film.

In the meanwhile, read the blog post about Coraline. I put some effort into that.

My uberrant is still in progress. Delays have been in effect.

It's still in the rough draft phase. I'm researching the works of idiots for dialogue inspiration for the character of Chris, the lovable but dim-witted Idahoan whose Chevy Impala broke down prior to 9:00 MST in Wyoming.

Does anyone know an idiot-- preferably from Idaho and with a poorly-maintained Chevy Impala-- I can interview?

Uncensored "Philistines" essay (because I'm pretty sure someone would report me for suggesting the extermination of ugly kids in the main forums):

Children are the worst. The very worst. If you are a child, and you're above that age range where you're just so gosh darn cute (i.e., between 6 months to 7 years old), you almost certainly suck harder than a tornado full of vacuum cleaners (if you're younger than 6 months, I hate you too. All you do is scream and poop. Fuck you, you little douchebags!).

One reason that kids are just total scumbags is that they aren't cultured. They'd rather play things like Roblox and Minecraft than Clue. They'd rather talk about Mr Beast than My Dinner with Andre. They think that it is acceptable to watch Wicked in two separate installations and without a live cast. They think Taylor Swift has had a musical career long enough to span a large number of "eras".

I have thought about this problem for some time. My first solution was the total extermination of all children who aren't cute. This seemed like too much work. My second solution was to deport all children, but then everyone living on the border between the civilized world and the world of the barbarians would have to deal with hollering at 11:00 at night, which would be inconvenient. I tried bribing a few children to be more cultured, but they quickly spent my money on temporary tattoos and on some weird roblox currency. After a feasibility study, I have determined that kidnapping all children, strapping them into a Clockwork Orange machine, and forcing them to watch every episode of "Frasier" is most likely illegal in some countries.

Thus, I am crowdsourcing. I am confident that if we solve this great problem, we can help a lot of people and get a boatload of grant money from all of the world's governments.

Instructions unclear, are we getting rid of all children or just the ugly ones?

@A_Dragon_Riding_King said in #9:

Instructions unclear, are we getting rid of all children or just the ugly ones?
We'll start with the ugly ones and work our way up